So Bad It's Bad: A Plumbers Don't Wear Ties Definitive Edition Review

By Manuel

Players: 1
Platforms: Nintendo Switch, XBox, PlayStation 4, PlayStation 5, PC

I never thought that I'd live to see a day where Plumbers Don't Wear Ties gets an updated HD release, but here we are. Coming completely out of nowhere, Limited Run Games have unearthed this abomination to gaming for everyone to enjoy on modern platforms! Available now on just about everything, we're going to be taking a look at the Switch release of Plumbers Don't Wear Ties Definitive Edition today to see if this is a piece of gaming history you'll want to add to your collection, or if it's best left to rot on a long-forgotten console. This one is going to be a bit weird, so be sure to strap yourselves in extra tight. Let's get into it!

Hope you're ready for a lot of filters!

A still from the only FMV in the game.

We've all seen that AVGN video, so we pretty much have this game's plot down already. I'm not joking when I say that either. I came into this game never having finished it before, but assuming that there had to be something left out of that video, but there really isn't. I don't really want to talk about the plot in too much detail, but I can literally outline everything that happens in thig game in a sentence or two. In short we have two 20-somethings who are being pestered by their parents to find a boyfriend/girlfriend, they meet by chance in a parking lot where the girl is just arriving for a job interview. After phone numbers are exchanged, the girl goes to said interview where a lecherous office manager who chases her back into the parking lot, the guy then defends the girl and together they flee all across LA/Hollywood. They then enter an abandoned building where everything crescendos into a neat little package. That's it, that's the entire game. There's some extra stuff with the narrator, some bad endings to stumble into, and even a long intro that features a race track for some reason, but there's no other important story beats beyond what I just mentioned. I actually triple checked my notes because I was sure that there was something I was missing, but nope that's how simple this game's plot is. If you know what choices to make, or stumble into them by accident, you can probably get to the ending in about 30-45 minutes. While I'm sure no one was expecting Shakespeare, I do think that most wouldn't expect the game to be as hollow as it is. I'd be a lot more forgiving if this was at least a funny story, but the attempts at humor all fall flat. Part of me feels I should be saying this game is awesome due to all the work LRG put into bringing it back, but a bad game is a bad game. I guess one can argue that it's the context of the bonus features in this package that make it worth playing today, but if that's the case I'm going to have my work cut out for me when it comes to discussing the game itself.

An example of "gameplay".

Yes, this is as random as it looks.

There really isn't much to talk about when it comes to gameplay in Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, but I'm going to give it a go anyway. If you've ever played a visual novel and had it on autoplay, then you know what to expect here in terms of interactivity. You listen to a lot of dialogue set to still images, and occasionally get to make a choice that guides the next part of the story. Sometimes you reach a bad end and have to go back, but these setbacks don't cost you a lot of time. There is a special minigame in the main menu called "Plumbing through the Depths", but I'm not sure if that counts in this discussion. Plumbing through the Depths is played like an FPS, and it's also where you'll unlock all the game's bonus features. While this is the only thing here that probably truly qualifies as an actual "game", it was my least favorite part of the entire experience. I really wish that these bonus features were either unlocked from the start, or just unlocked as you play the game, because I feel like I wasted far too much time getting content that sometimes wasn't worth the minutes I spent watching it. I literally can't think of anything else to say regarding gameplay, so I guess we'll move on.

Plumbers Don't Wear Ties was advertised as an FMV game, but it literally only has one actual video in it. This is already well-known by now, but I have to mention it nonetheless as we're going to cover visuals now. This is mainly going to focus on the HD upscaling, but there's a few other things I want to highlight too. Right off the bat, I have to say that some of the modern videos found in the bonus content seem to be compressed in a weird way. I'm not sure if this was because I was playing on the Nintendo Switch, but the videos looked very artifact-y at times. I'm not sure if this was somehow an intentional "joke" or something, but it was so inconsistent that I couldn't imagine it being so. You'd think only having one actual video in the main game would mean that IT at least had to look good, but that's just not the case here. The intro video probably always looked bad, but there seems to be no upscaling at all here. It was mentioned in one of the bonus videos that they didn't have access to the original footage when this project was being worked on, but you'd think they'd have tried to do something with this video instead of just leaving it as is. I probably wouldn't complain at all if it wasn't for the fact that they did a really great job on the photos that make up the rest of the game. There’s an entire video in the bonus features that covers the hard work that went into creating the new HD photos using AI, but there were a few moments where the updated photos felt off. While playing the game I noticed a few odd faces here and there, switched back to the original photo (which is a thing you can do by the way), and saw that the new one seemed to be a completely different picture. I can only assume that this is some weird fault of the AI because they didn't have access to other content from the game's shoot, but it was weird nonetheless. This of course doesn't make the game worse in any way, but it is odd that it took a literal year to upscale these photos but there are somehow still a few wonky edits scattered throughout.

Our hopeful couple.

The chase scene was mildly entertaining.

I'm probably going to say one of the most controversial things I've said about a game right now, so brace yourselves. I actually kind of like the music in Plumbers Don't Wear Ties. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I really do. I know that most of this music was probably taken from some stock music library, but there were more than a few songs that I was jamming along to. I even found it funny when some of them didn't actually loop, but just restarted again. Considering I didn't find much else funny here, that was definitely a win. I don't want to imply that the music in any way saves the game, but it truly helped get me through some of the game's more tedious sections. Unfortunately the same can't really be said about the voiced dialogue. While the photos looked great for the most part, some of the audio sounds very crispy and compressed. The performances aren't really bad though, but the quality of what they exist can be a bit distracting. There's a saying that you can immediately tell a movie's budget by how bad or good it sounds, and I think that Plumbers Don't Wear Ties really embodies that statement. Though I'm not really sure which side it leans towards since I already said that I didn't really mind the music one bit.

When I first booted up the game I immediately thought to myself: "Why would anyone choose to play a game like this?" I think answering that question is very important, as it really examines the point of this re-release. There's a certain type of person who just has to see the worst movies, watch the worst videos, or even play the worst games. It's a morbid curiosity that eats at them if they don't. I'll admit that I think of myself as exactly that type of person, but even I had a hard time justifying playing this game instead of literally anything else. The problem is that I see very little redeeming qualities here. Sure I liked the music a bit, but I can't help shake the idea that I wasted hours of my life. You can't even say it's one of those "it's so bad it's good" kind of things because it's just bad. There is very little good here, and what is may simply be a form of twisted nostalgia for a different time in the gaming scene. This is a bad game, and all the game's materials make sure to drive this fact home, but I AM glad it exists. I guess we can at least thank LRG for putting in all the bonus content in this version, as it takes away the bad taste in your mouth this game leaves just a little.

This minigame really isn't all that good.

Hey look, it's AVGN!

Before I wrap up this review, I actually have some things to gripe about when it comes to this Definitive Edition. I've already mentioned that I hated the fact that I had to play that minigame to unlock the bonus features, but I guess I'll mention it again for good measure. Next up, I want to talk a bit about the quality of those special features. Simply put, I don't really think they're all that great. Some of the videos are fun, but others feel like brief out of context clips from much longer interviews. Also, while the AVGN segment makes complete sense being here, most of the others had me thinking: "Why should I care what they have to say about this game?" That's not the worst of it either. The audio commentary with Jeanne Basone (who plays Jane in the game) was such a big let-down. I went into it thinking it would be fun, and that it would shine a light on the game's creation. Then I hit play and experienced an awkward interview/discussion from someone who doesn't really seem to have anything interesting to offer. Some of the other videos just made me question why they were included at all. There was a video that was titled something like "How We Ported the Game" that made me angry I wasted time in the Depths for it. All of the videos should've just been edited into a single decently long mini-documentary as they felt too short and pointless otherwise. Actually, now that I think about it, this entire project probably would've been better off if it was just a documentary. I also don't know why Michael Anderson isn't included in the special features at all. He created the game and probably has the most to say about it, but he's left out almost entirely. It baffles the mind since it's actually mentioned in passing during Jeanne Basone's commentary that he is still alive and they were in contact with him at some point. Lastly, and this is my biggest issue with this release, is the fact that this version of the game is the only one that doesn't feature fully removable censorship. This MAY be due to it being released on consoles, but the Nintendo Switch is no stranger to nudity, and what's here really isn't even all that note-worthy. Obviously I don't care about a few risqué pictures not being here, but it irks me that this is called the "Definitive Edition" when it leaves something out that's in every other version, including the 3DO release that started all this.

Still censored.

At least everyone looks like they had fun!

I guess it's time to reveal if I think Plumbers Don't Wear Ties Definitive Edition is worth picking up in the year 2024. The fact of the matter is that it's short, has questionable bonus content, and feels a tad too expensive at $19.99. I love that this release exists for the sake of preservation and accessibility, but I don't think I can recommend going out and getting it unless you're picking up the physical version from Limited Run Games themselves. Get it if you're some sort of bad game completionist, or maybe if you just want to see GLOW's Hollywood in what is technically her only starring role. Everyone else is probably better off just watching that AVGN video again for the hundredth time.

Check Out Plumbers Don't Wear Ties Definitive Edition on Nintendo Switch:
https://www.nintendo.com/us/store/products/plumbers-dont-wear-ties-definitive-edition-switch/

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Story: Embarrassingly Bad out of 10
Gameplay: Early Visual Novel Fails out of 50
Graphics: Where Is My FMV out of 5
Music/Sound: I Actually Like This Part of The Game out of 1,000
Value: Worth Getting Only for The Limited Lols out of 100

Overall Rating: B+

Pros:
+ A great update of a terrible game. While it doesn't deserve these efforts, Limited Run Games did a great job here.
+ An important piece of both gaming history, and the history of online retro video game culture.
+ Even though it's not exactly fun and entertaining, we can all now feel James Rolfe's pain.
+ There's some novelty seeing GLOW's Hollywood (Jeanne Basone) in a starring role.
+ I honestly didn't think the music was all that bad!

Cons:
- Though a valiant effort of game preservation, this is the epitome of a bad game with little in the way of redeeming qualities.
- The bonus content is very hit or miss. Especially the entire "Plumbing through the Depths" minigame.
- The actual game is very short, and there's pretty much no reason to play it again once you've experienced it once.
- This release is not truly "Definitive" as it has censorship that wasn't in the original.

A copy of this game was provided to us free-of-charge by the publisher for the purpose of this review. This did not affect our review in any way.

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Time for my Drano cocktail!

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